Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Guest Post: How To Handle Loneliness, by Benjamin Berkley

Hello everyone!

Today I'm welcoming Benjamin Berkley, Author of Before You Say I Do Again: A Buyer's Beware Guide to Remarriage to Melissa's Midnight Musings, as part of the Premier Author Virtual Book Tour. He is going to share his thoughts on how to handle loneliness. Here's what he has to say:


Being married affords sharing life’s experiences with someone. And whether it is going out to dinner or a simple night home in front of the TV, you are not alone. 

Of course, after the legal wrangling and emotions of a divorce have subsided, the loneliness that follows divorce can be difficult.     And there are only so many dinners that your friends who feel sorry   will invite you to.  But unless you want to bury yourself in your home or apartment and not have a life, you must accept the fact that you are    that person going to the movies on a Saturday night and purchasing one ticket.  So much for ordering the combo popcorn and large Coke!


  • Do you want a relationship because you can’t live alone?
  • Have you never lived alone and are scared to do it now?
  • Have you always had a boyfriend in your life?
  • Do you obsess about being lonely?
  • Do your friends and family tell you that you need your independence?
  • Are you too dependent on friends and family to make decisions?

Satisfying your desire to not be alone can easily be confused with seeking companionship.  But being alone again does have benefits.  It allows you the time to clear your thoughts and transition from your married life to being single again.     

However, for most people who have been married before, statistics show that they are very eager to get back on the horse and try marriage again.  But let’s face it.  Do you really want to go on a vacation by yourself? And don’t you feel weird laughing to your favorite comedy sitcom with no one in the room to share your laughter? 

But before you grab the first person with a beating heart and race down the aisle, you must consider ask yourself are you marrying for love or companionship.  Love comes with companionship but companionship does not guarantee love.   Consider the following.

Lorraine’s Story

Lorraine was 45 and had been divorced more than 12 years and was fed up with the dating scene.  She daydreamed about one day exploring Europe with someone special and was depressed from coming home to her empty apartment.  She loved to cook and had amassed a huge collection of cook books but had no one to prepare a gourmet meal for.

She decided to give an on line dating service one more chance and began chatting with Brian.    He was also divorced.  When they eventually met, they had a lot in common.  For Lorraine, it was a welcomed change to go to a sit down restaurant as opposed to a fast food chain.    She also impressed Brian with her culinary talents.  And though her heart did not stop when she would think about him, the thought of being alone for the rest of her life was very depressing.

Within a few weeks of dating, she was already telling her friends that “Brian was the one.”  And though he was not as anxious as her, he saw the financial benefits of marriage and six months later they were married.     Unfortunately, Lorraine had not taken the time to get to know Brian before she said I do, again as Brian was verbally abusive and overly possessive.  She related that she felt like she was suffocating when she was with him.  Ashamed, she admitted to her friends that she had failed in marriage again and was seeking a divorce.  

Lorraine’s rush to the altar was as a result of her confusion between wanting to be married and not wanting to be alone. 


In the movie, War of the Roses starring Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner, their marriage got so bad that they literally divided the house preventing either spouse from crossing the dividing line.  But as bad as things were for the Roses’, they were still a couple until a divorce court ordered otherwise.

If you have been married for a short period of time, it is probably an easier adjustment for you to once again be single.  However, the longer that you were married, adjusting to living as one can be most challenging.  As a result, there is an urgency to turn the number one into two.  

However, you are not alone as, according to the United States Census Bureau, there are over 38 million divorced and widowed adults living in the United States.  So before you throw a pity party for yourself, consider the fact that there are lots of other wonderful people out there rediscovering their single lives. 

Further, until you are secure in being single again, you are not ready to enter a serious relationship with the prospect of marriage.  Instead, if you act impulsively just to fill the void of loneliness, you may be setting yourself for making the same mistakes all over again.  

PRACTICAL POINT: The past is the past and the future has just begun
So, before you jump into another relationship, chart your future.  If you were not busy before, get involved now.  There are people who need your help.  Volunteer.  Get involved.  And throw out any lessons you were taught by your family about dating.  It is ok to approach someone to ask them out.  And if you absolutely cannot deal with being alone,
adopt a dog or cat.  A pet is a lot cheaper and they provide unduly love with no strings attached.

About the Book:
Publisher: Frederick Fell Publishing
Published: September 1, 2009
Format: Paperback
Pages: 254
Buy the Book: Amazon

1 comment:

Teddy Rose said...

Thanks again for taking part in the tour and hosting Ben!